oN aPOLOGIES

I have recently been in two arguments which followed an all-too-familiar pattern. I disliked being treated a certain way, spoke up about it, and POOF! instant fight. These particular discussions, though miles apart in seriousness and resolution, shared one common argumentative tool: the false apology.

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No one likes being told that their actions, once considered perfect by them, could have possibly offended the sensibilities of another person. Yet here I am, an offended individual, telling them exactly that. When confronted with this perplexing phenomenon, people tend to reach back to the one time and place during which they got away with all kinds of infuriating behavior: childhood. They stumble backward through this period of time, blindly grabbing at any useful phrase, any comparable situation, and eventually find the one unbeatable, non-stoppable, guaranteed Get out of Jail Free card, the phrase “I’m sorry.”

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But times have changed. They’re grown up now. They don’t say simple phrases like “I’m sorry” anymore. Nope. Everything has changed because these people have entered adulthood and plan on staying. And what, pray tell, is their contribution? The false apology.

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I’m not talking about a person who gives an apology that he or she does not believe in. False apologies (and there are many, many variations) sound like this: “Oh, I’m sorry it bothered you” or “You got offended. I’m sorry about that” or “I’m really sorry you’re upset.” These are not apologies. They offer no accountability and basically just sound good. These phony apologies follow the pattern of a condolence at a funeral: “I’m so sorry your mother passed away.” No one is saying that they are personally at fault for killing the mother in question; it’s an acknowledgment of the obvious. Nor are the above “apologetic” speakers taking any responsibility for upsetting you; they are simply reiterating what is already known.

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Remark the difference between these phrases below and their limp-handshake counterparts: “I’m sorry I bothered you” or “I offended you. I’m sorry” or “I’m really sorry I upset you.” People using real apologies stand up and allow themselves to be accountable for their actions and words. People using phony apologies always blame something else, sometimes you yourself, and offer what amounts to a poor sympathy substitute.

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Unfortunately, these kind of pathetic excuses for apologies are used all the time. What’s more, a fight is usually the last conversational place you want to confront this kind of flagrant non-apology. What then is a sane person to do?

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In a nutshell, suck it up. Unless the person is your significant other or plays a role in your life fairly regularly, you have no real reason to duke it out with every Jack and Jill out there who subscribe to the No Apologies R Us catalogue. Usually just trying to resolve the actual problem, and not the phony apology that plays a role in the problem’s aftermath, is hard enough.

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I tried once to tell my father the kind of apology that would resonate with me. After saying something upsetting and receiving my subsequent response, he gave the usual “I’m sorry you feel that way” line, which you already know is a waste of my time. I told him that “I’m sorry I upset you” would make me feel better, and he refused. Too much accountability for him, I guess.

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To all the people who use false apologies: you do yourself a disservice by not taking responsibility for your actions and words. You can potentially deepen a hurt by giving a fake apology. Giving real apologies, regardless if you receive them, is eye-opening, liberating, and soul-fixing. If you are in a verbal fight, you can cut down the cage match by half the time with a real apology. The phrase which usually begins with “I’m sorry I…” attracts the attention of the other person or persons and can usually curb an otherwise hazardous exchange. Furthermore, it becomes easier to see how you have contributed to a situation and can help eventually to pinpoint a root cause.

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False apologies do serve a purpose, though. They are an acknowledgment of an issue and in conjunction with an actual apology can do a world of good. Imagine the following: “I’m sorry you’re angry, and I’m really sorry I upset you.” The meaning of the first half contains a decent assessment, but should you say only the first half, you have to avoid believing that you are comforting and apologizing to someone. With both halves together, however, there is a full evaluation and apology of the situation. It’s a home run of an apology and an excellent start to making amends.

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The false apology, while ever-present in society, does not have to exist in your world. Own your words and actions and don’t be afraid to make a real apology. After all, at the end of the day, the person you’re ultimately comforting is yourself.